Ob-servation (On What Makes Me Draw)

I'm drawing from observation. As soon as I put down a mark that refers to the subject, I become aware of a paradox. (The same is valid for non-realistic drawing because the subject is not the object that I'm drawing but my idea of it.) On one hand, the mark does seem to relate to the subject in some way: I can say to myself, 'this mark re-presents that particular feature of the subject'. On the other hand, I am aware of the total difference that exists between the mark and what it re-presents: I can say to myself, 'this mark is not what I see'.

It would seem an impasse. Yet, because I cannot hold on to the idea of total difference between seeing and re-presenting, and because, for me, the mark still refers, somehow, to the subject, I start believing that I can, however slightly, reduce the gap of total difference. The difference is essential and the gap cannot be bridged but I cannot know it (I can write and talk about it, but knowing is another matter), therefore I have the (deluded) impression that something can be done, that there is a lot of work to do.

To me, this is the addictiveness of drawing: as long as I hold on to the paradox (or, perhaps, is more of a pendulum's movement) that what I draw is and is not what I see, there is always more work to do. Strangely, it feels like voluntary forced labour, self-imposed ob-servation.